


More Than Anything

by orphan_account



Category: Westworld (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, Mutual Pining, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24216796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: There's always a price to pay for love, especially when it's hidden and kept in secret.
Relationships: Lee Sizemore/Reader
Kudos: 2





	More Than Anything

"Are you sure you're up for this?" Stubbs asked, arms folded across his chest as he lead the way to the large map in the middle of the control room. 

You shrugged, taking a swig from your can of Red Bull and looking around for someone in particular but frowning when they were nowhere to be seen, although you hid your disappointment behind a mask of curiosity. "I'm always up for whatever you throw at me, Ash, you know that." 

He chuckled a little, shaking his head and taking the can from you, looking at you with a certain playful false anger. "I thought I told you these things weren't allowed in here?" 

"Oh, c'mon, Stubbs," the person you had been looking for chimed in, walking up to you both and laying his arm on your shoulder as he winked at you. "It's not fucking hurting anyone." 

"Sizemore," Stubbs nodded curtly, reluctantly handing you the can back. "You're late, you should've been in an hour ago." 

"Fuck me, I can't even have a lie in?" Sizemore asked with a raised brow, stealing the can from you and taking a swig. 

You smiled to yourself a little, biting the inside of your cheek to prevent it from spreading and outing the fact that whenever he was around, your mood always bloomed into joy and joviality. 

Narrowing his eyes, Stubbs sighed and shook his head. "Lee Sizemore, our resident writer who seems to loiter around (y/n) more than anything else." 

"It's not like I'm doing any fucking harm," Lee rolled his eyes, his gaze settling on you for a moment as his arm dropped from your shoulders and went around your waist, making your breath hitch as you did your best not to show how you leaned into his touch and how you yearned to be his, your heart beating and thumping like thunder. He grinned. "You sound like you're jealous, Stubbs." 

"I'm not," Stubbs replied, "but we have a job to do that doesn't include babysitting you while you get pissed at the bar all day." 

You cleared your throat, looking between the two and trying not to shake your head. "And yet, I always end up on Sizemore duty." 

"Only because you're my one and only," Lee teased with that horribly handsome smile. "You're the only one who can keep my attention, love." 

Stubbs sighed again, turning to the map and placing his hands on the edge, looking over at what all the guests were doing. "(Y/n) has more important things to do, Lee." 

"You should go," you told the wonderful writer softly, reluctantly pulling yourself free of his embrace, missing it instantly. "You don't wanna piss Ash off."

Lee's smile faltered a little as he frowned and looked around the room. "I'll see you on your lunch break, deal?"

"I can't today, Ford wants to see me," you admitted, a pang of disappointment in your words. "But, I might be able to get away at some point to see you." 

"I'll look forward to it," he nodded, turning on his heel and leaving. 

You frowned, already missing him as you walked over to Stubbs, coping how he stood with his hands at the edge and his eyes trained on the map; you didn't mind working for the security division, in fact, you actually quite liked it, but you had to admit that you would have given anything to spend every single minute of every hour at Lee's side. You were close, very close, and he almost always made your sour moods turn sweet, he always found a way to make you laugh and smile and feel like there was something good in the world, even on the worst days; Lee was a light when everything was dark, and the two of you got along like a house on fire, but there was a slight problem. 

You had started to catch feelings for him. 

And in your workplace, feelings were dangerous.

"Are you even paying attention?" Stubbs asked, looking you up and down, searching your features for any sign that you were listening. 

You shook your head, your gaze snapping over to him as you cleared your throat and nervously chuckled. "Sorry, I was kind of out of it." 

"Sizemore's gotten into your head, I see," he hummed, the comment nonchalant despite the fact that it told you everything you needed to know - Stubbs had had you figured out, and in particular, he had your feelings for Lee completely and utterly figured out. 

"He hasn't…" you grumbled, looking back at the map and sighing. "He… he hasn't." 

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

Stood in Ford's office, you wished he would play something other than classic musical for once in his life, the piano was melancholic beyond belief and made you wish that you were, instead, with Lee; but just as you began to get lost in your thoughts again, the man of the hour walked in, closing the door behind him and taking a seat at his desk. 

"How are you getting on?" He asked, pulling out a stack of papers and starting to sign them. 

You shrugged, never able to get used to the room no matter how many times you were in it, there was always something eerie about it. "Pretty good, I mean, I've been here for almost two years, it's not like I need to adjust to anything." 

Ford nodded, putting the signed papers to one side to keep his place, a neat little stack to his left. "Stubbs tells me you're one of the best trackers we have… I'm proud of you." 

"Yeah, well…" you let out a bittersweet laugh. "Isn't like I got this job on merit, is it?" 

"You did," he assured, looking up at you and putting his pen down. "Despite the fact that you're my only child, you-" 

"Adopted," you reminded him. "And I'm not a child, I'm old enough and ugly enough to look after myself." 

"Despite the fact that you're my only child, you got this job based on your skills and qualifications," he pressed. "I chose you for this job for a reason, (y/n)." 

You rolled your eyes, stuffing your hands in your pockets and looking around the room. "Mostly to keep me out of trouble." 

"That is one perk of it, yes," he nodded. "You know, when I was a young boy, my brother and I had-" 

"The greyhound, yeah, I know," you interrupted. "Listen, Dad, as much as I  _ love  _ our tedious talks, I'd appreciate it if you could skip to the point." 

"Very well," Ford agreed, standing up and starting to walk around the room, his hands clasped behind his back, his gaze drifting from every little decoration he passed as he spoke. "Stubbs tells me that you've grown awfully fond of our narrative writer." 

You swallowed thickly, looking down at the floor and clearing your throat, trying to keep your voice even. "I wouldn't say  _ fond  _ as much as… as tolerable of his presence… Lee - I mean, Mister Sizemore, is my friend. That's the extent of it." 

Ford nodded again, not noticing how you tried to make yourself seem smaller and more disciplined as he continued to pace around the room. "His arrogance and pride will be his downfall." 

"I know," you said quietly, still avoiding looking anywhere but at your shoes, licking your lips and suppressing the need to cough and clear your throat of how clogged and thick it felt. "He's a good man, Dad, he just… he takes some getting used to." 

He hummed, seemingly accepting your white lie about how you and Lee were nothing more than friends and colleagues, after all, he had no reason to doubt you; Ford trusted you enough to tell him the truth, and while he may have been suspicious of anyone else's honesty, he never doubted yours. Even when you almost got arrested for throwing bricks at a police car, you owned up to it quite proudly when he asked you what had happened; even when you snuck off with Logan Delos, your best friend since childhood, to indulge in certain vices and illegal substances, you always told the truth when confronted about it. Just as you were about to leave, though, he stopped you, offering up a small smile. 

"I really am proud of you, you know, (y/n)." 

"I know, Dad," you smiled back, reaching for the door handle. "Thanks." 

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

"You're a grown ass adult," Logan whined over the phone, having expected your call after your little meeting with your father. "Why don't you just move out?" 

You shrugged, looking around to make sure no one was listening. "I dunno… I guess I'm scared about leaving him on his own - he's getting on, Logan, what if he had a fall or something?" 

He scoffed, the sound crackled and slightly muffled and even you could tell that he was rolling his eyes and shaking his head; you didn't hear whatever snarky comment left his mouth as you pressed the phone to your shoulder, smiling over at Lee as he approached.

"Am I interrupting?" Your favourite writer asked, looking at the phone, his voice quiet. 

You shook your head, holding up your index finger and bringing the phone back to your ear. "I gotta go - drinks at mine at five?" 

"Sounds good to me, and don't forget, we're doing the garden tomorrow," Logan agreed with a slight tone of curiosity. "Let me guess, Lee walked over?"

"Yeah," you nodded, sparing a glance at Lee and doing your best not to grin. 

"Good luck, don't be a dumbass," your best friend nearly sang before hanging up, allowing you to put your phone back in your pocket as you offered a crooked and apologetic smile to Lee. 

"Sorry about that," you coughed, suddenly nervous as moths began to flutter in your stomach and you began to get lost in those deep, crystal cobalt eyes. "It, uh, it wasn't important - just my best friend, y'know?" 

"Yeah," Lee nodded, leaning on the railing beside you and cocking his head slightly to the left. "Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt." 

"You didn't," you reassured with a flash of that smile that made his heart pound and yearn to be tethered to yours. "Listen, I'm sorry about earlier, I would've joined you for lunch, but you know what Ford's like." 

He growled a little, a bitter agreement as he snapped his gaze away from you, reluctantly looking out over the horizon, the hot and heavy afternoon sun. "Don't worry about it - the man's a fucking asshole at times… how did it go? He didn't chew you out too much, did he?" 

You chuckled a little, shaking your head. "Nah, not too much. Just wanted to know how I've been doing is all." 

"And how  _ are  _ you doing?" He asked, looking back at you, a slight concern masked by simple curiosity in his deep cobalt eyes. 

You swallowed thickly, clearing your throat and looking him up and down, the inside of your lip finding its way between your teeth. "Honestly? I'm enjoying it. I mean, Stubbs is a good guy and he's easy enough to get along with… and you're here, too, which is its own perk." 

With a soft laugh, Lee swiped his tongue along his bottom lip, his eyes glittering. "Can I get that in writing?" 

Playfully but nervously, you nudged his shoulder and rolled your eyes. "You wish, Sizemore." 

"A man can dream," he easily teased back through racing heartbeats that made his throat feel clogged and stiffened. His smile seemed to sadden as he looked at you, sighing softly but knowing that the rising and falling of his chest was still visible. "A man can dream about a lot of things…" 

You hummed, the same sadness cloaking your own lips as you smiled back and shrugged. "Didn't Shakespeare say that dreamers often lie, though?" 

"Shakespeare was a fucking idiot," Lee told you with a bantering tone. 

"I like Shakespeare!" You whined, unable to hold back the laugh that formed. "He was a great writer… a bit like you." 

Scoffing and rolling his eyes, Lee leaned in a bit, just enough that the harsh rising and falling of his chest could be felt and that his breath danced across your features as he hummed, tilting his head a little. "You think I'm a great writer?" 

You placed your hand on his chest, nodding and catching yourself looking at his lips, but unable to draw your gaze away as you quietly replied, "no, I don't  _ think  _ you're a great writer, I know you are… the same as I know you're a great man..." 

Placing his hand on yours, Lee swallowed thickly, yearning to lean in that little closer, just enough to feel your lips on his. "How can you say that, when you've had to pull me away from the bar so many times and sober me up? Hmm? How can you say that when you've seen what rotten work I can be?" 

You shrugged, your heart going a mile per minute as time seemed to slow, every minute lasting an eternity and a half. "Because… you're good to me, Lee. You're… you're good to me, and if my job here becomes simply looking after you, then I'm happy with that…" 

"It's rotten work," he insisted. 

"Not to me," you replied, "not if it's you." 

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

That evening, you met up with Logan at Ford's estate, a bottle of rum in one hand and a packet of cigarettes tucked into your back pocket, your head swarming with thoughts of Lee and what had happened earlier; the way he placed his hand on yours, how close he was, how you almost leaned in close and kissed him. You couldn't bear it, it was all too much, and as you sat down with your back against the pond, Logan at your side, you couldn't help but to grumble and open the rum, tossing the cigarette packet into his lap. 

"I'm a fucking idiot," you chuckled bitterly, taking a swig from the bottle and shaking your head, choking back a laughing sob; the weather was warm and temperate, hot enough to wear a t-shirt but cold enough that you didn't feel the heat. The stars were glittering above, telling you to stop dreaming of things that would never be true - telling you to stop dreaming of Lee and his kiss. Dreamers often lied. You took a cigarette from Logan, swapping it for the rum bottle as you took a long drag. "You told me not to be a dumbass, but here I fucking am!" 

Knocking back a swig, Logan raised a brow at you and hummed curiously, letting the bottle rest between his thighs. "Come on, tell old Logan all about it." 

You took the rum back, gulping it down, needing the liquid confidence before you started to explain what had happened, able to see the amusement and the joviality in your friend's eyes that grew with each word that left your mouth; with a final gulp of rum, you leaned your head back and squeezed your eyes tightly shut. "How can I be so fucking stupid, Logan? Huh? How can I be so fucking bait like that?" 

With a soft sigh, he shook his head, clicking his tongue as he ran a hand through his hair and thought of the best thing to say. "You're not stupid, you have feelings for him, real fucking feelings… like how you had real fucking hatred for our maths teacher back in the day." 

"I don't wanna talk about the things we've been through," you growled, shaking your head and taking another drag from your cigarette, your words becoming pale grey puffs of smoke in the blue evening. "Love's a fucking game, Logan, and the winner takes it all - but guess what?" 

"What?" 

"I'm the fucking loser!" You howled, standing up and stretching your arms out, your eyes wide and wild as you bit back a sob. "He's never gonna love me back, and I'm just gonna end up breaking my own heart!" 

"And if you do," Logan chuckled, standing up and leaning the bottle against the pond so it wouldn't spill. "I'll be here. You're my best fucking friend, (y/n), and if you break your own heart, then I'll be here to fucking… duct tape the pieces back together!" 

"Duct tape?" You giggled, grinning. 

"Duct tape," he agreed with a beaming smile. "Fuckin' duct tape!" 

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

"I don't know," Lee grumbled, pressing his forehead against his arms and sighing heavily. "I don't fucking know…" 

"That's a first," Stubbs commented from his place at the other side of the desk; the two were working the after hours shift, but because things had slowed down, had decided to take a little break. The office was cold and dark, much like a forest during snowfall, much different from the warm evening temperatures outside, and while it was a nicer change, both knew that it was going to be a long night. Kicking his feet up on the desk, Stubbs yawned. "What's the problem, Sizemore?" 

"Fucking (y/n)," Lee replied, "we… we had a moment earlier and I'm… fuck, I think I've fucked things right up." 

"Here we go," Stubbs commented, clearing his throat and trying to get comfortable but failing to do so, he yearned for his bed back home. "Listen, you and (y/n) are… you're close, and that's good, and I doubt that you'd fuck things up so easily - even if it's you, I'm pretty sure (y/n) would give you a free pass for, I dunno, pretty much anything."

Lee growled, shaking his head and only daring to look up to run a hand through his hair as he yawned, his eyes glossed over and dewy as he let out a pitiful laugh. "I need a fucking drink.  _ Now _ ." 

Stubbs shook his head, frowning as he stood up and took a look around, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Alcohol isn't gonna solve shit, but it's too late to argue… gin and tonic?" 

"Rum, straight." 

"Jesus, you  _ are  _ in bad shape." 

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

"Get up." 

You groaned, swatting at the voice and wincing a little at how your head pounded and roared, how it protested as you sat up and stretched your aching muscles, the grass having left imprints on your face and arms; groggy and hungover, you opened your eyes, looking up at none other than Ford. 

"Fuck," you whined, clutching your head and letting out a wince. "What time is it?" 

Ford looked down at you sternly, shaking his head and frowning, his arms folded across his chest, an utter look of disappointment painted across his features. He looked every bit the picture of a father let down by his child. "Almost time for you to go to work." 

You grumbled, shaking your head and looking over at Logan, who was still sound asleep beside you, drool coming from his mouth and his arms wrapped tightly around the empty rum bottle, you let out a soft growl. "Can't I take the day off? Just today, please? Dad?" 

Despite it going against his better judgement, Ford looked away from you for a moment, looking at Logan with a sigh before he eventually nodded. "Just today." 

You smiled weakly, gratitude in your eyes as you flopped back down, your head on Logan's hip as you made yourself comfortable. "Thanks… I owe you one." 

"Get some sleep," Ford sighed, shaking his head and gesturing to the house. "Go inside, get yourselves cleaned up and into bed." 

You nodded, although the words hardly registered at all; had he been a younger man, Ford wouldn't have hesitated to carry you and Logan inside and tuck you both into your bed, but with his age, he knew he couldn't despite his own paternal instincts telling him to do so. He swiped a hand down his face before heading inside; it wasn't that he wanted to leave you and Logan sound asleep and hungover in the garden, but he knew that he had no chance of moving you, either, and he was glad that you were both safe on the estate rather than in a ditch somewhere. Although, he did wonder why you had gone all the way down to the pond to drink, instead of on the patio where you always went. It was concerning, but he did his best to put it aside - after all, he trusted you enough to know that you would tell him the truth when asked, and didn't tend to question your judgement or motivations. 

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

"Where the  _ fuck  _ is (y/n)?" Lee asked, bursting into the main control room and almost grabbing Stubbs, there was a clear worry and frantic concern in the writer's eyes, one that was clear amongst the pigmentation of deep dark blue. 

Carefully and cautiously, Stubbs laid a hand on Lee's shoulder, and did his best to smile. "Hungover. I got a call earlier about it. You don't have to worry, Sizemore, I've been assured that (y/n)'s safe and sound, at Logan Delos' place." 

Frowning, Lee looked around the room before looking back at Stubbs with a certain pain, the kind a kicked dog would show. "Why didn't (y/n) tell me? It's because I fucked up yesterday, isn't it?" 

" _ I  _ didn't tell you," Stubbs started, "because I knew you'd overthink it like you are now… trust me, I checked up on (y/n) myself and honestly? I'd kill to be looked after like that when I'm hungover." 

Lee could feel his heart pounding as his mind started to race; who was looking after you? Was it Logan Delos? Why? What did he care about you? Were you fucking him? 

The poor writer was so overcome with so many different thoughts that he couldn't help but to sigh heavily and lean against the nearest wall, steadying himself against cold bricks as he growled and grumbled. 

"Fuck's sake… fuck me…" he started, running a hand through his hair and pulling out his phone. 

"What are you doing?" Stubbs asked, looking over at Lee, furrowing his brows and shaking his head when he noticed the phone; quickly, he snatched it and let out a soft growl. "Sizemore, are you fucking stupid? You can't call (y/n)." 

Lee frowned and furrowed his brows, tilting his head slightly and reaching for his phone. "Why the fuck not?" 

"When you're hungover, do you wanna be answering phone calls?" Stubbs asked, raising his brows this time. 

"Fuck no!" Lee scoffed. "But this is (y/n), and I… I…" 

"I get it," Stubbs said softly, giving Lee the phone back although not without great reluctance. "Listen… wait until (y/n)'s in tomorrow, okay? But for today, just leave it. Trust me… it's for the best." 

After a great many moments of hesitation, Lee sighed. "Fine… fucking  _ fine _ ." 

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

Lee hated the outdoors with a burning passion, but when you returned to work after your day off of being hungover, he jumped at the chance to walk through the woods with you; the mud clung to the bottom of his trousers and the soles of his shoes, and the branches and brambles scratched at his shirt the same way the stinging nettles bit into his skin through the thin layers of clothing that he had on, but he couldn't find it in himself to complain. Not when he was with you. Not when he was so attentively listening to you talk. 

God, he loves you, he really did. It was one thing that the dreamer didn't dare lie about. 

But even then, he was unaware of the fact that you were going through much the same; leading Lee through the woods, you didn't mind that your shoes were slick with clay and mud and that your arms were covered in nettle bites and wooden scratches, you didn't mind the leaves and the cobwebs that brushed your face. You didn't really care. But your heart wouldn't settle, racing around your rib cage and your throat every time you looked at Lee and every time he asked a question, his angel eyes were nearly impossible not to get lost and drown in, and every time you looked into them, you were practically hypnotised and ready to give him your heart and your soul and your body. 

Coming to the clearing where the trees stood taller than the rest and the brambles guarded the area with their thick thorns, you sighed, closing your eyes for a moment, a smile on your face; the smell of the woodland was intoxicating, and the sound of the river made your heart pause for a moment to enjoy it. But the tranquility was soon broken when Lee came to stand beside you, his hand between your shoulder blades as he cleared his throat and took a heavy and deep breath. 

"Fuck me," he sighed with a half-hearted chuckle. "Please tell me we're not going any further." 

You shook your head, silently laughing as you leaned into his touch slightly and cleared your throat. "Don't worry, Shakespeare, we're not going anywhere, now." 

With perhaps too much relief, Lee ran a hand through his hair as exclaimed, "oh, thank  _ fuck _ !" 

Reluctantly breaking away from him, you took a seat at the riverbank, patting the spot of dirt beside you, and when Lee sat beside you, you leaned over just enough to put your head on his shoulder, his arm finding its way around you as he pulled you in close. 

"You know, this is my favourite place in the world," you started quietly, "whenever I wanna… wanna get away from anything, I always come here… same as when I wanna think." 

A hum escaped from the back of Lee's throat as he allowed himself to relax a little, his hatred of the outdoors melting away as he focused on how you felt in his arms, how he loved the sensation and the feeling. "I can see why… despite the dirt and the mud, it's not actually half bad." 

You nodded in agreement, glancing up at him and holding back a sigh of contentment; it took everything in you not to tell Lee how you felt about him, how he made your heart both ache and yearn and quake, how he made your hands shake and your throat feel thick and clogged up and rendering you unable to speak. "Yeah, it's just… just a shame it gets lonely out here, sometimes."

"It doesn't have to be," he whispered, meeting your glance and offering a smile. "I might fucking hate the outdoors, but… for you, I can put it aside." 

You hummed softly, fidgeting slightly to get closer, but not expecting Lee to notice it and to pull you onto his lap, letting you straddle him with your hands on his shoulders as he gripped your sides and bit his lip. 

"Do you really mean that?" You asked in a hushed tone, looking at his lips and feeling your breath hitch. 

Lee nodded, wishing to move that little bit closer, just to feel your lips on his and finally show you all the things he had felt for you since the day he met you, but he didn't. He didn't dare to move a muscle despite his heart screaming at him to do so. "Of fucking course I mean that. If you… if you ever don't fancy being alone, I'm here. I'm always fucking here." 

"I know," you replied almost incoherently, your voice kept quiet and hushed, "and, for the record, I'm always here for you, too, Shakespeare." 

Scoffing playfully and rolling his eyes, Lee leaned back slightly, shaking his head as he did his best to fight off the grin that threatened to plaster his lips and paint his eyes in laughter. "Are you gonna stop calling me that anytime soon?" 

With a beaming smile, you shook your head, holding down a laugh as you shrugged. "I don't plan on it, no… why, is there something  _ else  _ you'd rather I call you?" 

He wanted to answer, more than anything, that there were quite a few things he would have preferred you to call him, but he knew better than that, and simply smiled and held his tongue for once. "Wouldn't you like to know?" 

"Actually, yes," you mused. "But, let me guess?" 

"Go for it." Lee stated, shifting slightly and just able to hear the way your breath hitched as you bit your lip when his hips made contact with yours; he couldn't deny that it gave him a certain rush, especially when you cleared your throat and bucked your hips with such a subtlety that he almost didn't notice it. But then you stood up, running a hand and offering an apologetic smile. 

"Maybe another time," you said as you helped him up, grasping his hand firmly and only reluctantly letting go when he hesitantly pulled his hand away, his fingers ghosting yours for a moment too long for it to be accidental. You looked around before chewing nervously at your lip. "I, uh,  _ we _ should probably go… wouldn't wanna worry anyone, y'know?" 

"No, yeah, of course," Lee shrugged with just a mild whine of heartache, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking down at the floor for a moment. "Stubbs is probably tearing his fucking hair out, by now." 

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

People were starting to notice things between you and Lee, growing more and more observant with each passing day; it was hard to miss the way you smiled at each other, the pining glances across rooms that broke the second one of you dared to look, the lingering touches when your fingers ghosted his and he did his best not to take your hand and hold it tightly, the awkward laughs and clumsy movements when you had been found to be so close that his lips were almost on yours. The fact that you and Lee had become practically inseparable probably didn’t help, either, as whenever you weren’t out tracking for the security team, you could always be found with Lee; whether it was in his office, out on the balcony or down by the pool with the outside bar, you were always glued to one another’s side. 

And no one had noticed more than Stubbs; he knew that the writer liked you, a lot, and that that certain fondness had laid its roots deeply into Lee’s heart, as shriveled and as bleak as some people may have said it was. As much as he wanted to, though, Stubbs knew that it wasn’t his place to tell you that Lee was yearning and pining for your love and affection; the same as he knew that it wasn’t his place to tell Lee that all his whining and pining and moaning and groaning was completely worthless because you felt the same way. It was an awful situation for Stubbs to be in - that awkward thin line between colleague and friend, knowing some of the lines he could not cross but not all of them. 

Deciding that it was better to cross a line or two, Stubbs entered Lee's office, and took a seat opposite the melancholic and stressed writer with a frown, examining his features and his face; Lee looked like an animal in pain trying to hide it, a deer whose eyes had changed colour with blindness from wounding, 

“Listen,” he started, looking around at the lack of mess that often consumed the room, clearly you had been tidying up… or Lee had done it himself to impress you, either way, Stubbs welcomed the fact that he could stretch out without worrying about something toppling over and becoming ruined. “Lee, I know you like (y/n).”

Lee looked up, shaking his head and clearing his throat. “What?! No! I don’t! I… I don’t like (y/n) - I mean, sure, I think about what it would be like to live together and how amazing it would be to share a life together and- _ oh… _ ”

Smiling and doing his best not to laugh, Stubbs raised his brows. “You wanna try that again?”

“So what if I like (y/n)? It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a fucking… just a stupid fucking crush.” Lee growled, licking his lips and hanging his head solemnly. “Nothing would ever happen between us, (y/n) is way out of my fucking league.” 

“I think you’re underestimating yourself,” Stubbs replied, “you and (y/n) would make a good couple. I think… I think maybe you should ask (y/n) out for a drink or two.” 

Lee shook his head again, letting out a grumble as he ran a hand through his hair. “And what? Get rejected by the only person I’ve… get rejected by the only person I actually give a shit about?” 

Stubbs frowned, not caring that Lee basically admitted that he didn’t care about their friendship, he knew that the writer was under a lot of stress and pressure and could let it slide. “Rejection is part of life, Lee, it wouldn’t hurt to at least try. Come on, you’re a kind of good looking guy, if I was (y/n), I’d date you.” 

Lee rolled his eyes at the comment, looking around the office and scoffing. “I’m a solid eleven out of ten, Ash, but… (y/n) is a fucking twenty, and would never go for someone like me.” 

“Jesus Christ, Sizemore,” Stubbs growled, slapping his hand on the desk and pinning Lee down with his glare. “Ask (y/n) out yourself, or I’ll do it for you.” 

“But, I-” 

“Hey,” you smiled as you walked in, looking between the two and frowning in confusion, brows knitting together. “Am I interrupting something?” 

“No,” Stubbs shook his head as he stood up, glaring at Lee one last time before making his way towards the door, but pausing to rest his hand upon your shoulder. “I was just leaving, but our resident writer has something to ask you.” 

You looked at Lee, waiting for Stubbs to leave before you spoke up. “You do?” 

“No! I… maybe,” Lee sighed, defeated as he slumped into his chair. “Are you busy tonight?” 

You shook your head, shrugging and sitting at the edge of the desk, looking at him with concern and a slight worry. “Drinks with Logan at Dorsia, seven. But I can cancel - I don’t really wanna go, anyways.” 

He nodded, biting the inside of his lip and trying to hide the trembling of his hands as he brought one to his mouth, pressing his knuckles against his lips before retracting them and clearing his throat. “Wanna join me in the woods for a while?” 

You sucked in a breath, looking guilty as you replied, “as much as I would love that, I was thinking maybe we could go up the hill where the cows are and chill - if that’s alright?” 

Eager, Lee nodded, eyes widening slightly. “Sure, whatever the fuck you want, I’m down.” 

You leaned over, running a hand through his hair, neatening the tousled and messy strands with a soft hum. “You’re stressed - are you sure everything’s okay?” 

“Abso-fucking-lutely,” he told you, a bit too quickly for it to be the whole truth. “I’m just… there’s a shit load of things I gotta think about at the moment, is all.” 

Trying to hide your obvious worry, you slowly nodded. “Do you wanna talk about it?” 

Taking your hand in his and gently kissing the palm of your hand, Lee let out a soft murmur. “It’s fine. Honestly… I’ll meet you later, then?” 

“Yeah, sure,” you said quietly, reluctantly pulling your hand away. “Sounds like a plan, Mister Sizemore.” 

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

The trek up the hill had been gruelling, to say the least, it was so steep that it knocked the wind right out of Lee’s lungs and made his chest feel like it had shrunk fifteen sizes from being so constricted, he was sweating like a pig in a butcher’s shop and panting like an absolutely knackered dog, but when you reached the top, it was more than worth it; the view was breathtaking, more breathtaking than the trek. For miles, the fields seemed to stretch, almost seemingly to the point where they merged with the dark blue evening sky and the slightly grey clouds, but the excessive green grass was broken up by tall dark green trees that barricaded each field and creating a fence between them; in the distance, he could not only hear, but could see the smudges of cow silhouettes that bled into the emerald grass. However, the view was only worth looking at for a moment or two, as almost immediately, Lee found himself looking at you; you were absolutely stunning as you sat beside him, stretched out on the plush grass, wearing his jumper. 

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” you chuckled, looking over at him with a smile. “It’s a nice view, innit?” 

“Yeah.” Lee said, still not tearing his gaze from you even though you had turned to look at the horizon, the view from the top of the hill. “Best view I’ve seen in a while, actually…” 

You cleared your throat, then, picking at some grass and knotting it together with deft and careful fingers. “Y’know… I actually kinda wanted to talk to you about something.” 

Raising a brow, Lee looked away when you looked at him, letting out a cough to try and rid his throat of the words that were getting stuck in it. “You did?” 

“I did,” you nodded, licking your lips and letting out a soft sigh. “Promise me you won’t laugh at what I’m about to say?” 

Sensing the seriousness of it, he nodded, resting his hand on your shoulder as he smiled weakly. “I promise, you have my fucking word.” 

“You might hate me for this, though,” you mumbled, looking down, as if ashamed of what you were about to say and the consequences of every syllable about to leave your mouth. “Lee, I… I know that you’re not exactly the most emotional or sentimental of people, and I know you’re a fucking dickhead at times, but I… fuck me, I like you a lot and I’d… if you were up for it, I mean… I wanna… be with you.” 

Moving so that he was in front of you, spreading your legs so that he could get closer, his lips almost on yours as you hooked your arms around his neck and allowed him to hold your sides as he let out a soft hum. “Do you mean that? Do you really fucking mean that, (y/n)?” 

“Of course I do,” you defended with a soft gulp. “Lee, I want to be with you, at the worst of times and at the best of times and at the most mundane and unimportant of times.” 

“Good,” he whispered against your lips. “Because I wanna be with you just as much, and I… fuck, earlier on, when you walked into my office, Stubbs was trying to get me to ask you out and I kept fucking denying it because I thought you’d never even look twice at me.” 

“Please,” you chuckled, lying down and pulling him down with you, his arms on either side of your head and his legs on either side of yours. “You’re the most good looking guy I’ve ever seen, and I can admit that I’ve definitely looked a lot more than twice at you. Not to mention, I’ve definitely thought about you a lot, especially when on my own… now, are you gonna kiss me, or do I need to stroke that massive ego of yours, first?” 

Smirking at the suggestion, Lee shook his head, leaning down so that, at last, his lips met yours; there was no urgency to it, the two of you easily finding a decent enough rhythm that was both slow and sweet, it seemed as if all eternity had waited with baited breath for you and Lee to kiss, as the second it deepened slightly, everything seemed to burst into colour from a black and white world, everything seemed to fade away, leaving only Lee and his lips in reality. You couldn’t help but to lean into it and smile, you couldn’t quite count how many days you had spent thinking about him, what it would be like to kiss him, and now that you were finally there, and his lips were finally on yours, you didn’t want anything else in the entire world; you didn’t want it to end, and whined when he pulled away, resting his forehead against yours with a content hum. 

“Fuck, I’ve waited so long to do that,” he growled lowly, licking his lips to savour the way yours had tasted. 

“You took the words right out of my mouth,” you chuckled in agreement. “Must’ve been while you were kissing me… but there’s something I should probably tell you.” 

“You’re not fucking married are you?” He asked with a genuine curiosity that made you scoff and laugh. 

“No, not yet, anyways,” you tittered. “No, I, uhm… Lee, Ford’s my dad.” 

Pulling away from the sheer surprise, Lee furrowed his brows, shaking his head. “You’re pulling my fucking leg.” 

“I wish,” you admitted, sighing and frowning. “I get if you… you regret, y’know, kissing me and-” 

“No,” he replied, cupping your cheeks and kissing you again, brisk and quickly. “I don’t fucking regret anything. But you realise that if the old man finds out, we’re both dead, right?” 

You nodded, licking your lips and letting out another sigh. “I know, and… secret relationships are a lot of pressure, and if you don’t wanna go through with it-” 

“Now hold your fucking horses,” Lee chuckled, biting his lip. “I wanna go through with this more than anything, (y/n). I want you, and if we have to keep our relationship a secret, then that’s fine with me, I don’t fucking care as long as you are mine and I am yours. I just… are you sure that this is what you want?”

“I want you,” you whispered. “I don’t care about anything else, Lee, I just want you.” 

“And you have me,” he murmured. “For as long as you want me, you fucking have me.” 

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

At first, things went smoothly between you and Lee, the relationship was completely under most people’s radars, although Stubbs was the first of your friends to know and the only one of your colleagues to know and the only one who helped you both conceal it from everybody else; sharing stolen kisses in the hallways and little ghosts of touches here and there as well as sneaking out of your home to meet Lee and be with him for a few hours every so often, as much energy as it took to sneak around and to hide your relationship, you would not have had it any other way. You loved him, you truly did, and you knew that he loved you back just as much - after all, he told you often enough when you were wrapped in his embrace. Logan knew about it, too, of course, and often lied to Ford that you were spending the night at his flat when really you had snuck off with Lee again; Logan had actually pointed out, multiple times, that there had been a change in you since the start of the relationship - he said you seemed happier, less stressed and worried, and that you were more confident and laid back. He liked the change that Lee had brought about in you, and supported it. Stubbs said the same to Lee, that since the start of the relationship, he was a lot less snappy and lost his temper a lot less, he seemed so much more relaxed. Three months went by without a hitch, you were both content as could be and were enjoying the waves that often came about with newly found love. 

But, as always, there was trouble in paradise. 

“Ford would fucking flip his shit!” Lee chuckled. 

“Yeah, he would,” Stubbs agreed with a laugh; neither of them were aware that you were just around the corner waiting for Stubbs to come around so that you could ask to go on a cigarette break, and although you were tempted to walk away, something told you not to. 

“Could you imagine how fucking pissed he’d be if he found out that I was fucking (y/n)?” Lee grinned. “I’d have his job in no time!” 

You were hurt, to think that you had given Lee your heart only to find out that he was using you to get to Ford, and although something in your heart told you that you weren’t hearing the full story, you couldn’t help but to walk around the corner, tears starting to dew and augment in your eyes as you swallowed thickly. 

“Is that what I am to you?” You asked him quietly, the hurt in your voice and eyes was too prominent to ignore. “Is that why you wanted me, Lee? To get to Ford?” 

“(Y/N), no, I…. fuck,” he sighed, looking down at the floor. 

You shook your head, scoffing and walking away so that he didn’t see the tears start to pour from your eyes, but as you refused to look over your shoulder, you didn’t see that Lee was being held back by Stubbs, who was telling him to leave you, to give you some space. 

“You fucked up, Sizemore,” Stubbs told him honestly, shaking his head. “Stay here. I’ll go talk to (y/n).” 

Lee growled, trying to move past the head of security. “Stubbs, don’t fucking do this to me. (Y/N)’s my fucking partner, it’s my-” 

“You just hurt (y/n) in one of the worst ways possible,” Stubbs defended with a snarl. “Stay. Here.” 

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

It took a while, but eventually Stubbs found you up on the roof, looking out over the horizon as the rain that cascaded down your features refused to let up, a small puddle between your legs where it fell from the clouds in your eyes; with a heavy heart, Stubbs took a seat beside you. 

“I don’t expect you to talk,” he said. “But as both your friend and your colleague, I’m telling you that I’m here for you.” 

You shook your head, lighting up a cigarette and taking a long and harsh drag as you sniffled and winced at the pain in your head. “I’m fine, you don’t have to worry about me.” 

“But I do,” he replied, “(y/n), you’re one of the few friends I actually have here. You and Sizemore matter to me, and seeing you so upset… I hate it.” 

“Ash, I’m fine,” you hissed, words a puff of smoke. “I’m fine, y’know, I just realised that… that I gave my heart to someone who didn’t want it and only wanted to use me to get to Ford, which is fine! It’s fucking dandy and amazing!” 

Stubbs couldn’t help the worry that spread across his features as he frowned and looked down at the floor; he didn’t just feel bad, he felt awful, as even he couldn’t deny that Lee’s words would have hurt anyone. “If you need some space, some time off, I can cover for you.” 

You looked to him, then, furrowing your brows, the red and puffiness of your eyes was a sore sight indeed and could have rendered anyone melancholic within just a few seconds. “You’d do that?” 

“Yeah,” he nodded. “You’re my friend - why wouldn’t I?” 

“Thank you,” you whispered as you threw your cigarette off the roof and leaned over to hug him tightly, sniffling and feeling bad for the tears and snot that dripped onto his shirt. “I just wrecked your shirt, I’m sorry…” 

“I can wash it,” he assured, patting your back. “Take the rest of the day off, (y/n), go home.”

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

You spent two weeks wallowing in self pity and loathing, wondering what mistake you had ever made and ignoring every text and call from everyone - from Logan, Stubbs, and especially Lee. He was desperate to get in contact with you, but you avoided his attempts like the plague and refused; the times that Logan and Stubbs came to see you were brief and woeful, both of them trying to find a way to cheer you up but neither of them able to help. You had to admit that you did miss Lee, a lot, and that you did often yearn for him so much that he often popped up in your dreams - but every time you woke up, you were always saddened and disappointed to find that he wasn’t really there. Ford was growing increasingly concerned, but wouldn’t push you to talk about it, as he knew that if you really wanted to talk, you would have, he knew that you would open up when you were ready. So he allowed you to play the same few Orville Peck songs on repeat at full volume from your room, he allowed you to fill your room with smoke from cigarettes and only ever came in to give you something to eat and to drink and to empty the ashtray. But even he had to admit that it was an odd coincidence that both you and Lee had been in such melancholic states for the exact same amount of time - but he didn’t look too much into it and figured that Lee was just going through one of his moods, whereas you, Ford knew that there was something wrong in your world, and he wanted to know how to help, but didn’t want to push his boundaries as a father. 

It wasn’t until two weeks later on a warm and quiet night when there was a furious pounding on the door that Ford finally found out what had happened. 

“Sizemore,” he did his best to hide the confusion in his voice as he looked at the disheveled and unkempt writer. “What are you doing here?” 

“I need to see (y/n),” Lee stated with tears in his eyes and the voice of a broken man. 

Ford furrowed his brows, suspicion creeping in. “Why? What do you want with my heir?” 

Lee sighed, running a hand through his hair and swallowing thickly. “I fucked up, big time.” 

Clenching his jaw, Ford narrowed his eyes. “What did you do?” 

“I made it seem like the only reason I wanted to be in a relationship with (y/n) was to get to you,” the writer explained, “we were together for a few months, and I… fuck, I’ve never felt so much and so strongly for someone before, and I fucked it all up because I couldn’t keep my fucking mouth shut, but I swear - I wouldn’t ever use (y/n) like that. I… I love… I’m in love with (y/n). And I’m here to apologise, and I know I should’ve come by weeks ago, I should’ve been here on the fucking day to apologise, but I kept thinking that I’d hear back and that I’d get a text back, but… I didn’t, and I’m worried. I’m fucking worried that I’ve fucked it all up beyond repair, and I wanna fix it.” 

Nodding slowly, Ford hummed. “Upstairs to the left. Just follow the music.” Just as Lee was about to walk past, Ford grabbed his arm, and snarled, “you ever hurt (y/n) like this again, and you’ll regret it.” 

“I know,” Lee nodded, sniffling. “I’d never hurt (y/n).” 

Ford let go, then, and watched as Lee walked up the stairs; his hands were trembling when he reached your door, and heavily knocked before entering and clearing his throat, chuckling sadly when you threw a pillow at him. 

“I deserved that,” Lee admitted, gently closing the door behind him and picking up the pillow. “Actually, I deserved a lot worse.” 

“Get out,” you hissed, the two words hurt you to say them, but you couldn’t help the rage and the melancholy that seeped through your veins. “Lee-”

“I’m here to apologise,” he said gently, and when you allowed him to, he continued, “listen, I know I fucked up a lot, probably more than any fucking apology can sort out, but… to tell the truth, (y/n), I do genuinely love you, and I swear, I would never use you to get to your dad. As much as we have our differences and our arguments, I’d never sink that low. I never meant to hurt you so fucking much, and I know I fucked up badly, but I… if you’d allow me to, I’d like to fix things, and I wanna make it up to you.” 

You had your apprehensions about forgiving him, about taking him back and accepting his apology, but when you realised that he was just as depressed and woeful as you were, you couldn’t help but to think that he had been stuck in the same pit of despair that you had been, and that he was truly and honestly sorry for the hurt he had caused you. Slowly, you nodded, and let out a sniffle. “You’re a dickhead.” 

He smiled sadly, weakly. “I know.” 

You smiled back, then, standing up and crossing the room to stand in front of him with open arms. “But you’re my dickhead… and, although I might regret it one day, I forgive you.” 

Wrapping his arms around you and pulling you close, his lips on the top of your head and your head against his chest, Lee was more than happy and relieved to have you back in his embrace. “You won’t fucking regret it because I swear, I’m never gonna fuck up like this again. I’d never hurt you.” 

For a long while, you and Lee stayed like that, just holding each other and making up for lost time, never putting words to the gratitude to have one another again, but your silence was soon interrupted by Ford, who was standing at the door with his arms across his chest. 

“Doctor Ford, I-”

“Don’t,” Ford shook his head when Lee tried to speak. He looked like he was about to lose his temper. “Listen to me, both of you - I don’t like Lee, at all, I think you’re an arrogant egoist… but, with that said, I have one question for you, (y/n) - does he make you happy?” 

You nodded, looking up at Lee and smiling brightly. “More than anything.” 

“Then you have my blessing,” your father sighed. “I know you don’t need it, after all, this is the modern era and you can both do as you please, but I am not going to stand in your way. I refuse to stand in the way of love.” 

You looked over at him, then ,your smile growing and beaming like the moon on a cloudless night. “Thanks, Dad…” 

“Sizemore, how would you like to stay for tea?” Ford asked. “I’m cooking one of (y/n)’s favourites.” 

Looking down at you, Lee raised a brow. “Can I?”

“If you want,” you shrugged. “You can stay forever, if you want.” 


End file.
